Bad Anniversary Nov -1, 2023

Tomorrow will be a sad reminder

Will be 1 year from the end of something great

My world , my life took a serious tumble

A fall from which I've yet to recover

The things that I remember

The things that I forgot

The tears that have fallen

All the wasted years

My apologies and remorse have run me over

The day keeps coming back

I remember free falling

Without my safety net

Now I'm left to fend for myself

No love or warmth to hold my hands

No help to get around

I force myself to be self sufficient

This memory that haunts me 

The reminders all around

No words from the girl who was my love

Just a picture of Drew Dog

I ruined a perfect day for us

The accomplishments of my boy

I'm so proud of all that he has done

I'm so fucking disappointed for who I am

How does one recover

I don't want love again

It hurts too much to care so much

And lose it all over again

I have choices to make from her

To what, where and how

I'd love to stand for something good again

Instead of having things taken away

 

OCT 31 , 2024

 Today is a day I really dread

Halloween is not my jam

I remember not liking it as a kid

I dressed up only once

What I do enjoy is handing out candy

Watching the kids in their jubilant state

So young and happy to be alive

That energy I would love to have

The creatures and the costumes

The littles dressed and ready

I wait for the pictures

Of the boys and their bountiful grab

I wonder why Halloween meant nothing to me

Why I enjoy the joys of others

I guess my addiction to reality

Doesn't allow a creative fun side

The candy bowl is filled to the brim

Backups close behind

I hope the kids come out tonight

I'd hate the eat the leftovers

To break away from reality

Maybe I should give it a try

I relive my childhood through my boys

The three word phrase that fills the night

Mind Break

 I'm taking a drive tonight

I had no destination in mind just drive

I ended up in downtown Santa Barbara 

To clear the mind and free myself

It feels good to drive again

Been over 2 years since I had driven

Injuries from my bicycle accident made it unsafe

So I drive as much as I can 

My mind and thoughts have been escaping me

I have too many things simultaneously running

Slowing down my broken mechanism

To the snails pace in which I walk 

Driving in Santa Barbara I reminisced 

The music venues and concert bars

My twenties were spent walking those streets 

Those were good times I remember them well

As I pull away from the big game

I realize I don't need to care

Time with myself for myself 

Had made me line up a thought or two

All of this thinking made me thirsty

I blew off chicken piccada to get away 

I ended up in Carpenteria

Where my best friend have our monthly meet

Again I heard that trigger song 

Affectionately called the last dance song 

I blew off sorrow and sang along

Because I'm unable to dance anymore 

So many thoughts of yesterday

40 years and moving forward

I needed this drive for so many reasons

I need a minute to wipe away some tears

I'm not sad ,angry or bitter anymore

Who really should care if nobody cares back

I've learned no lessons ,but of people

Who have shocked and disappointed me

My personal therapy session is over

This really disinfected the spoils

I can drive the 30 minutes home content

I'm making strides in meeting tomorrow 

Can't Escape it

 I heard another familiar song today 

Driving along it hit me again

A trigger, a dagger in my throat

Speechless, thoughts filled with negativity 

I've tried very hard to mend my fences

The holes yet patched and can see it through

I get real anxious when I think of things

That show my life with you

Too many times I blame myself

For failing to maintain my life

The comforts of the nicer things

That somehow meant nothing to me

That song I hear too often now

Reminds me where i was

I was dancing with my former wife

For the first and the last time

I won't turn it off or turn it down

A great memory and a great song

I embrace the thoughts,love and the dance

I still waiting for that call

Some things are like a decadent dessert

The looks the smell and tastes 

Too tempting to refrain and walk away

I eat it and hate myself 

Brandon's Chocolate Cake

 Things that occupy my mind

Things worthwhile of my time

The sweetest things I can find

Come out my hot oven

When I feel quirky I write

When I feel sad I write some more

When I feel good about thing

I'll bake a chocolate cake

Experiment and give it all

Extra this and more of that

There is no set recipe

It changes in my head

The oven is warming and getting hot

My mixture is doctored and ready to go

Set up the timer and close the door

I can smell it now ,chocolate in the air

The cakes are baking and 30 minutes to go

The timer ticks down don't let it over cook

Preparing the toppings and fillings right now

More chocolate, cream, butter and vanilla mixing it up

If you like dark chocolate frosting

Chocolate ganache filled layered decadence

Almost ready to be devoured

Sweet tooth and love of Chocolate is a requirement

It's cooled and trimmed and ready to cover

Enveloped in chocolate frosting

Each layer filled with amazing ganache

Eat it today, go to the gym tomorrow

No Purpose

 I often ask myself

Why am I here

What is my purpose

What am I supposed to be doing

Doesn't feel like I've done much

There is no real purpose

I've had it all it seems

Evidently it wasn't ever enough

I think about the daily grind

I can write about how I feel

Nothing much excites me anymore

Everybody hates everything

Why do I feel so disinterested?

Why do feel like I've lost

When does the sun shine bright on my psyche

Why do I search so hard for answers

I've lost too much in my life

I've given away more than that

At one time I felt sorry for being me

Now I can accept it I'm really not that bad?

The new freedoms my choices have allowed me

Can take me places I shouldn't go

There's so much negativity that awaits me

I'm sure I'll walk right on in

I wish I could look back and be a proud man

I've disappointed too many to feel that way

I see myself how others judge me

The space I occupy is wasted on someone more worthy

Our Boy

 My heart is shattered tonight

My little boy is hurting

I can't be there to help him right now

He misses his little boys

In a foreign room alone with his thoughts

The devil is home to plot her next vengeful act

Why are people so hurtful

Why is she so useless to those that matter most

My boy needs me tonight

He cries alone with his thought

I pray for him and talk to him

My sons' pain is my own, I share it with his mom too

We are helpless tonight

Tomorrow brings a fight that won't be pretty

I might be swinging the hardest, yelling the loudest

Nobody messes with my boys

So Mom and Dad and family alike

Pray for our boys tonight

Let there be an end result

That allows 2 not meant for each other a freedom pass

Lawyer up son I said to him

get ready for the fight of all fights

I got you covered on all sides

Go fight for your boys and make it right

Mom is enroute to patch up the bumpy road

I wish I could be there for my boy

I'll wait for a call and progress report

God put my mind at ease