Another quick fly by and a buzzing of the tower around here, Been a bit since I last posted and figured it was time to open the door and walk on through. So here i sit at work not much going on here....again, sitting here doing very little but thinking like only I can about anything and everything, past ,present and future. I await the arrival of our Granddaughter and son in a couple of weeks and get to see little Aubrey Sue for myself after seeing Terria visit here and get first squeeze of her tiny little body. So much love and admiration for a doting to be Grandfather who will give this baby all of my love and all that she need sin life which is love, the things are a given and Love is so precious and priceless that I just won't be able to give enough and want to give more and more, but rest assured that baby will be loved in all of the always that we weren't as children. So we must wait and enjoy the time we have her because they will be gone again in months as Ty ventures off to his new military life with his girl and his baby!
As for the impending week ahead of us, the anticipation of Spring training is bright and new for us, Terria ,Brandon and I leave Sunday for a six game 5 day trek to Arizona for a quick boatload of ballgames in Glendale, Surprise, Goodyear and Talking Stick, not to mention Scottsdale so the trip will be a busy one filled with so much baseball and so many new memories to bring back with us. This will become a yearly trip if we can work it out logistically, time and Terria's School schedule will always be the determining factor here but we will make do with whatever opportunities we have , I for one have no restrictions and can and do leave work whenever i need to and have use or lose hours on the books for vacations and days off. So we wait patiently for the weekend to come and enjoy the company of my amazing wife and Boy!
Been too long since we last visited Michael, been thinking about him allot lately, in the good sense where he takes me and makes me feel and realize what and how I've progressed as a man , a person, husband and partner to Terria. I'm the same person I've always been just a more aware soul of the needs of others and less in tuned with the "there's my way and no other way" mentality,I've opened up my mind more so to allow differing views and opinions and accept the differences as growth and acceptance of many things in my life that would have otherwise been strewn away to the back burners of not only acceptance but the belief that everything has a good side to it. So a trip to Michael is planned, he's booked and busy so I hope he can fit us in somewhere soon. I never thought I would be as receptive to the idea of the powers of therapy, to build and help a person better understand what they have taught and how to enhance that which is good and re-learn that which is wrong. So much of what we are is what we've been taught and how we have perceived as right and proper. My old adage of trying to fix a broken watch with broken parts applies in most life situations. I was a broken man and had no idea of how to fix myself for the tools were missing, all i knew how to do was reach into the tool box and fix myself with pre conceived ways of coping and dealing with my issues which were all counter productive.
Move to today and the healing continues, every now and then i have a relapse of guilt and hard feeling towards myself for what i put my family through 2 years ago, the pains of that time are sometimes very hard to forget and I still have a hard time understanding the why and how i put myself in that position and consequently allowed myself to be taken away from the goodness that I knew had never left me. I left the unfaltering goodness for reasons that I still don't quite get, yes therapy has allowed me look back and see where the suppression of feelings and the ownership of the given goodness is at times hard for me to understand and accept as being deserving but still find myself a bit empty when it comes to totally understanding the dynamics of Greg as they relate to my decision making and thought process. Yeah the guilt will be with me for a long time and seeing certain things around the house take me back to that time and sting a bit. While watching the break up the other night With Terria and Brandon and the crying scene when Jennifer Anniston is on her bed crying as Vince Vaughn comes in and wants to talk to her and she asks him to leave, he reluctantly does after attempts to talk with her. That scene took me back to when Terria was crying on our bed and I remember going in trying to comfort her and her telling me to go away and asking me why???? It still hurts to this day to relive that scene with her and that scene in that movie tears me apart as I immediately go back to that very moment of horror and pains that i put my wife through.
Yes things are amazing today and feeling that the entire ordeal was going to happen, it had to happen in order for today to exist the way it does. No smoke screens or thoughts of impenetrable bullet proof facades of toughness or goodness that one mistake cannot erase. Yes there have been hiccups in my relationship and healing process and the one thing I gather from this is that there is no regard to anybody's feelings other than those that mater the most, being a nice guy and caring about others emotions and life is not part of my job description anymore, i love my life the way it is, had always been and will continue to be ,growing upward in a positive manner with the love and admiration of an incredible wife and family support unparalleled anywhere else in the world. The joys of love and happiness are held up with the pillars of Reality and positivity, surrounding ourselves with the best ingredients to make the best of an already incredible life of Love and Happiness. Thanking my incredible wife Terria for just being her, no flaws, no bad dispositions of greed, arrogance or negativity, so blessed to have you in my life and look to the future to grow older and better each and every day .Love from the G-Man!
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