What do I fear the most?
I'm really not afraid of anything tangent
I used to think about death and dying
Now I honestly look forward to it
Not going out by choice or by gunshot
Just don't care much about life or missing anything
I just went through the toughest year of my life
Who wants to deal with shit like that
I did fear not living life to it's best standards
I never wanted to miss out on anything
Never wanted to say coulda, woulda, shoulda
So I did it and lived with many regrets
These regrets in the end were manageable
Some worth the risk, others sheer stupidity
Riding a motorcycle over 100 mph in a sweeping turn was worth the risk
Being a bad person and infidelity are my low points
The more I talk of my past
I learn more about what I didn't do right
Plenty of thoughtless mistakes and hurt feelings
At least I was funny so that was a thing
Thinking about this life
Nowhere near where I wanted to be
Physically, emotionally and spiritually devoid of meaning or purpose
My thoughts of kids, Grandkids are just thoughts
This world is a cruel place
Everyone desensitized knowing right from wrong
Social media is King and Free thought is a Ribeye Steak
Dead and rare theses days
I hope I don't quit on my thoughts
I surely don't want to quit on anyone who gives a shit
It's hard to be perfect so I bow out immediately
Being a Fuck up is very unrewarding but so damn easy
As I count the people who have abandoned me
I think of those whom I have walked away
No second chances just abrupt justice
Get the fuck out you're no good to me
Come back when you're perfect
Where the efforts to do so is a waste of time
The rewards to be perfect in an imperfect world
Defeat the purpose for being alive
I've lost so much
I've left so much on the table
Everything I've had or done
Has never seemed to be good enough to hold onto
I fumbled away too many things
Lost things that at one time meant something I suppose
I don't feel any poorer or richer just different
Adjusting to misgivings real or perceived
Each morning brings a new surprise and opportunity
To fulfill a promise if it matters at all
Do I ask my God to save me
Do I tell him he's doing a poor job?
I feel betrayed for many reasons
I've betrayed myself too many times
My God has an odd plan for me
I should have died twice in my lifetime
But instead I live a fraction of the man I was
Broken physically, spiritually trying to believe
I've been let down and betrayed too many times
For me to truly believe anymore
Failed marriages, friendships and parenting speak volumes
Too loud for me to understand clearly
The answers will hopefully come sooner than later
I'm not expecting much in return