I remember thinking that life and people were for the most part a good thing. As I've aged and near retirement, I take a different look at myself and the life I will leave behind. The loves of my life aren't that important anymore. I'm too selfish to care and unable to feel much anymore. I've lost my ability to love and appreciate the things that were so important to me. I've lost wives, kids and grandchildren to my own doing, I will own that and be truthful to myself in stating. I am a flawed man living in a flawed world and I never did enjoy it much. I tried to make a difference where I could and for the life of me can't see what good I have done. This may appear to be a pessimistic view of things, for me this is all reality. No rainbows and puppy dogs for me just the reality of being an asshole and watching the shit flow freely, knowing my life could have been so much better but it never got a chance thanks to me. All of this is not a reflection of recent changes in my life. Things happen the way they are supposed to and I'm not powerful enough to change any of that. For the first time ever I've looked at my life for what it really is, a failure and waste of many peoples' time and efforts! I tried so hard to be happy and live a good healthy life but never seemed to get there. There was always something missing!
The Saurus !
Tuesday, October 15, 2024
Remember To Forget
The weather outside is dreary, overcast
It's been a good day so far
Hope the sun shines through
To brighten up the streets and skies
I'd love to take a drive somewhere
Take my cameras and shoot away
Something different with a different feeling
A feeling that I've never felt before
I would love to drive anywhere
No destination in mind
Take me away with my music in my ear
Sing along even though I can't dance anymore
The tunes in my head
Take me to greater places
They take me to sad times too
They remind me that I have a past and maybe a future
I hide my feelings in my chest
I try so hard to solve my own shit
The truth of the matter is it can't be done
But I fool myself and carry on
I'm nearing a crossroads in my life
There's so much to be done if time allows
I have a plan to make amends
To myself for being my own worst enemy
If I pull away and run real far
Reimagine and reinvent myself
To a better person and a better place
Me and my thought alone in an empty space
My virtue and my purpose in life
Was lost and buried in a backyard spot
I played and roamed and threw a ball
Hitting rocks and breaking windows
That memory of the roadside load
I'd gather the pebbles and bring them home
I was Mickey Mantle and Willie Mays
Swinging the bat from either side
I gave away that life and home
My memories are etched in stone
My Puppies and my muddy field
Concrete and steppingstone covered it up
Onward I travel I am looking back
Will my travels be worthy of my lost opportunities
To live the dream and die together
I must have thought there was something better
When the sun goes down and I'm out of gas
Will they figure it out or need my help
A complex mind in an impossible world
I've shared my grievance for all to see
Monday, October 14, 2024
It's Just Reality
Friday, October 11, 2024
Angels Fly Away
One of my best friends and allies
I met when I was very young
The queen to my brother
The goodness in us all
Life is about learning
I've learned so much from her
She was raised by an Angel
And became one herself
We share a past of travel
Moving from state to state
They both worked hard
And are rewarded with each other every day
My wonderful Suzie
I hurt and disappointed her so much
I never thought I could disappoint so much
Now I've lost two of my best friends
The hurt and shock to her system
Processing very very slowly
I can't fix this broken relationship either
Take another loss to my soul
She would check on me frequently
Asking if I needed a coffee or snack
I miss those days replaced with no response
But its where this relationship is at
I'm glad Terria has a friend
I've lost them both for what I've done
I have turned my focus in a different direction
The solitude of a two lane highway
Thursday, October 10, 2024
Consequence
I've tried so hard to hold back
To negativity and the bitterness
I've broken so many things in my life
I have no one here to blame
My wife and children left me
I didn't agree but I understand
I wanted to fix my broken parts
Where would I start I was never given that chance
In talking to people
They all say the same thing
You've made your mistakes and owned them all
Move along and work on your future
My future is retirement
I had 7 grandchildren now 2
It breaks my heart that I've lost my kids
I would love a chance to hold their hands and squeeze them tightly
My anger is self-directed
Fixated on mending fences and lives
I now realize forgiveness is never coming
I must shrink my world even more
I limit my scope of awareness
My thoughts and worries handpicked for their valor
I can't re-ignite the blown-out flame
So I'll try to start my own forest fire
Goodnight, goodbye maybe see you soon?
I hope your new life is so much better
I've forced your hand to make these changes
I put myself in the world of the unknown
Wednesday, October 9, 2024
I Don't Know
I don't really know why you hate me so
Don't know why you walked away
Still don't know where you've been
I just don't know
I can't say I'm sorry ever again
I won't ever question where I've been
I already realized it makes you mad
You're exactly like your mom
Too much time has come and gone
To give a damn about how I'm feeling
I never realized that humanity has an on/off button
You'll never turn it on
I can't replace your presence in my life
I can only remember when you said goodbye
Cold, angry and unforgiving
A sad and eye-opening day
I'm not angry, bitter or hurt anymore
I'm disappointed that you became that which you despised
Vengeful, hurtful and holding a grudge
I lack the perfection you so desperately needed
I'm flawed and you knew it
I was an asshole I told you so
I failed you as we knew I would
I should have done drugs or murdered someone you knew
I never sought out perfection
Nor mediocrity, it's beyond my scope
The path of least resistance leaves me alone tonight
I guess it's better to be alone now than when I was young
I know Tomorrow brings many surprises
It sends me into the unknown
I don't need answers right now
I will drive myself where I need to be
For every loss incurred in this life
Is a potential gain that I don't yet know
I have faith in many things in this life
This world and its' people are not at the front of the line
With respect to those I've disappointed
I've tried my best to make amends
It takes two to come to an understanding
But I can't make you feel or see where I'm at
To my kids and little ones'
My love never stops if I don't see you
My thoughts are always with you
My mistakes have taken you away for now
Again I say goodbye
To hopefully say hello again
My life is much different now
I pray you'll be a part of it again soon
Tuesday, October 8, 2024
Pain in Knowledge
It's quite a feeling to know yourself
I know so much that I wished I didn't
It hurts to carry the constant load
Yesterdays' garbage has yet to be disposed of
A conversation with a friend
An old poem that I had written
Brings me back to another time
I had thought I left behind
Yes I'm hard on myself
Beaten my self up over things I've done
Beating myself up for things I haven't done yet
I've got to wipe my slate clean
The knowledge to know what you're capable of doing
To understand how far I've fallen
The fears of failure have come to fruition
I have no friends, only my family
As I approach my final days as a working man
Many chuckle at the thought that I ever worked
I was blessed with a stress-free career path
Three short months until I call it quits
I hold onto my troubled past
My mistakes and misunderstandings
People I loved are no longer a part of my life
I have memories that haunt and accentuate my losses
Tomorrow doesn't bring hope but an opportunity
To run away and be myself
No responsibilities or worries about another persons' life
Don't much care about my own but will act As If