Just A Thought

 

I remember thinking that life and people were for the most part a good thing. As I've aged and near retirement, I take a different look at myself and the life I will leave behind. The loves of my life aren't that important anymore. I'm too selfish to care and unable to feel much anymore. I've lost my ability to love and appreciate the things that were so important to me. I've lost wives, kids and grandchildren to my own doing, I will own that and be truthful to myself in stating. I am a flawed man living in a flawed world and I never did enjoy it much. I tried to make a difference where I could and for the life of me can't see what good I have done. This may appear to be a pessimistic view of things, for me this is all reality. No rainbows and puppy dogs for me just the reality of being an asshole and watching the shit flow freely, knowing my life could have been so much better but it never got a chance thanks to me. All of this is not a reflection of recent changes in my life. Things happen the way they are supposed to and I'm not powerful enough to change any of that. For the first time ever I've looked at my life for what it really is, a failure and waste of many peoples' time and efforts! I tried so hard to be happy and live a good healthy life but never seemed to get there. There was always something missing!

Remember To Forget

 The weather outside is dreary, overcast

It's been a good day so far

Hope the sun shines through

To brighten up the streets and skies

I'd love to take a drive somewhere

Take my cameras and shoot away

Something different with a different feeling

A feeling that I've never felt before

I would love to drive anywhere

No destination in mind

Take me away with my music in my ear

Sing along even though I can't dance anymore

The tunes in my head 

Take me to greater places

They take me to sad times too

They remind me that I have a past and maybe a future

I hide my feelings in my chest

I try so hard to solve my own shit

The truth of the matter is it can't be done

But I fool myself and carry on

I'm nearing a crossroads in my life

There's so much to be done if time allows

I have a plan to make amends

To myself for being my own worst enemy

If I pull away and run real far

Reimagine and reinvent myself

To a better person and a better place

Me and my thought alone in an empty space

My virtue and my purpose in life

Was lost and buried in a backyard spot

I played and roamed and threw a ball

Hitting rocks and breaking windows

That memory of the roadside load

I'd gather the pebbles and bring them home

I was Mickey Mantle and Willie Mays

Swinging the bat from either side

I gave away that life and home

My memories are etched in stone 

My Puppies and my muddy field

Concrete and steppingstone covered it up

Onward I travel I am looking back

Will my travels be worthy of my lost opportunities

To live the dream and die together

I must have thought there was something better

When the sun goes down and I'm out of gas

Will they figure it out or need my help

A complex mind in an impossible world

I've shared my grievance for all to see

It's Just Reality

Nearing midnight I'm wide awake

No sleep aid for me tonight

Just a weary mind with my body dragging behind

I can feel a thought-filled sleepless night

When the morning comes I'm thankful 

One day closer to where I want to be 

A day closer of where I'm needed

Not just another day

I look to my past which is now my future

My boys so close yet farther than I need

My feeling of desperation subsides 

To the realities of many unknown facts

My family had adopted me 

Taken me in and held me close

Someday soon I'll cut my loving ties

A trip to somewhere and nowhere at all

I held out my hand once, it was slapped down

I held out my hand a second time

I chopped the other hand to make it right

No hands ,no rings just wasted dreams

Feeling a dizzy spin in my head today

I went for a lonely drive today

The tight and twisty roads of my life

Where I had tempted death before

It brought out exhilarating emotions

My ear pieces with music blaring loud

With each turn something deadly warned

So I sold the bikes and tried to grow up

So much shared and how much I cared

To include you in my hobbies 

You gave your all before our fall

Tattoos that no longer exist 

I saw a picture on the mantle

Which made me proud and sad all in one

A journey that I should have shared with you

But instead it's dinner for one

A day away,a world away

It all feels the same to me

A child loses their innocence in life 

While a man tries to ruin his own

Angels Fly Away

 One of my best friends and allies

I met when I was very young

The queen to my brother

The goodness in us all

Life is about learning

I've learned so much from her

She was raised by an Angel

And became one herself

We share a past of travel

Moving from state to state

They both worked hard 

And are rewarded with each other every day

My wonderful Suzie

I hurt and disappointed her so much

I never thought I could disappoint so much

Now I've lost two of my best friends

The hurt and shock to her system

Processing very very slowly

I can't fix this broken relationship either 

Take another loss to my soul

She would check on me frequently

Asking if I needed a coffee or snack

I miss those days replaced with no response

But its where this relationship is at

I'm glad Terria has a friend

I've lost them both for what I've done

I have turned my focus in a different direction

The solitude of a two lane highway

Consequence

 I've tried so hard to hold back

To negativity and the bitterness

I've broken so many things in my life

I have no one here to blame

My wife and children left me

I didn't agree but I understand

I wanted to fix my broken parts

Where would I start I was never given that chance

In talking to people 

They all say the same thing

You've made your mistakes and owned them all

Move along and work on your future

My future is retirement

I had 7 grandchildren now 2

It breaks my heart that I've lost my kids

I would love a chance to hold their hands and squeeze them tightly

My anger is self-directed

Fixated on mending fences and lives

I now realize forgiveness is never coming

I must shrink my world even more

I limit my scope of awareness

My thoughts and worries handpicked for their valor

I can't re-ignite the blown-out flame

So I'll try to start my own forest fire

Goodnight, goodbye maybe see you soon?

I hope your new life is so much better

I've forced your hand to make these changes

I put myself in the world of the unknown

I Don't Know

 I don't really know why you hate me so

Don't know why you walked away

Still don't know where you've been

I just don't know

I can't say I'm sorry ever again

I won't ever question where I've been

I already realized it makes you mad

You're exactly like your mom

Too much time has come and gone

To give a damn about how I'm feeling

I never realized that humanity has an on/off button

You'll never turn it on

I can't replace your presence in my life

I can only remember when you said goodbye

Cold, angry and unforgiving

A sad and eye-opening day

I'm not angry, bitter or hurt anymore

I'm disappointed that you became that which you despised

Vengeful, hurtful and holding a grudge

I lack the perfection you so desperately needed

I'm flawed and you knew it

I was an asshole I told you so

I failed you as we knew I would

I should have done drugs or murdered someone you knew

I never sought out perfection

Nor mediocrity, it's beyond my scope

The path of least resistance leaves me alone tonight

I guess it's better to be alone now than when I was young

I know Tomorrow brings many surprises

It sends me into the unknown

I don't need answers right now

I will drive myself where I need to be

For every loss incurred in this life

Is a potential gain that I don't yet know

I have faith in many things in this life

This world and its' people are not at the front of the line

With respect to those I've disappointed

I've tried my best to make amends

It takes two to come to an understanding

But I can't make you feel or see where I'm at

To my kids and little ones'

My love never stops if I don't see you 

My thoughts are always with you

My mistakes have taken you away for now

Again I say goodbye

To hopefully say hello again

My life is much different now

I pray you'll be a part of it again soon

Pain in Knowledge

 It's quite a feeling to know yourself

I know so much that I wished I didn't

It hurts to carry the constant load

Yesterdays' garbage has yet to be disposed of

A conversation with a friend

An old poem that I had written

Brings me back to another time

I had thought I left behind

Yes I'm hard on myself

Beaten my self up over things I've done

Beating myself up for things I haven't done yet

I've got to wipe my slate clean

The knowledge to know what you're capable of doing

To understand how far I've fallen

The fears of failure have come to fruition

I have no friends, only my family

As I approach my final days as a working man

Many chuckle at the thought that I ever worked

I was blessed with a stress-free career path

Three short months until I call it quits

I hold onto my troubled past

My mistakes and misunderstandings

People I loved are no longer a part of my life

I have memories that haunt and accentuate my losses

Tomorrow doesn't bring hope but an opportunity

To run away and be myself

No responsibilities or worries about another persons' life

Don't much care about my own but will act As If