Take It On

Another day goes by

Another set of tears fall to the wayside

I turned my music off on the way to the gym

I couldn't hear another one of those songs

I've grown from a year ago

I have realized there's no turning back

Forward to another place is where I am

Alone with my thoughts sometimes dark

The clouds don't always follow me

The sun shines bright more than I realize

So much of what I knew has been removed

And here I still stand with many options

I could be in a better place

Or a homeless man who has given up

I opt for the stay and fight

My daily regiment says everything for me

My spiritual side has broken through

My mental acuity Has plenty in the tank

I can see the tunnel and the light

I feel pretty good tonight

When I open the blinds in the morning

Will I see the light intended for me

Can I fight through another memorable tune

Will the pictures I see make me happy not sad

Tomorrow on the ride to the gym

I play the songs that made me cry

I listen and I sing along

Reminded those were happy times not sad

I have reached a fork in the road I've chosen

Staying the course and not veering away

I've got a limited stretch on this side

I'm not wasting my energy on yesterday

For all of my petty grievances and beliefs

I won't expect people to be who they can't be

Just accept my choices that I was a part of

And let the rest be who they want to be

 

A Life Better Lived

 I felt a tug in my chest tonight

Not a heart attack but a failure of some sort

A bitter sting that life can bring

Funny what you feel in the dark

I was looking at my photographs

Six years of memories

So many great snapshots

A few that made me cry

A picture can speak thousands of words

Some of mine were one word "SAD"

The joys at the time they were taken

Reflection to the realities they created

I feel that sadness in my heart tonight

I wiped away the tears and then wiped some more

I can hear the words and feel that touch

It's ok, it's ok to cry

My words float aimlessly as I talk to myself

My prayers from my thoughts as I feel you close

I have failed on many levels long before I failed you

These failures reflect my full potential

I can only hope that this feeling will pass

Not knowing your status and frame of mind

My biggest wish is your life is fulfilled

And that your life is better without me

This Is Me

 I have tried so hard to stay afloat

Stay up from the pitfalls I've created

Looking forward ,stop looking back

Yesterday will never come back

I find it hard to talk about

Betrayals and forgiveness never recognized

I can listen and hear and hear the words

They continue to bite real hard

A conversation I had tonight

I realize that I was absent and inconsiderate

I try to make it up but never reach the mark

Where sorry is not accepted as a viable answer

My shortcomings are openly exposed

Nothing more to hide from those who need to know

This tiny world which is now my home

I have so much to repair in a short time

Forgive me for my arrogance 

Thinking that I was never wrong

Double ignorance proves my point

I wandered aimlessly my entire life

Living in this bubble of reality

I can't escape its' harmful results

I make it up in ways that don't matter

It's the only thing I have anymore

My truth is escaping my lies

My life is meaningless unless I make a difference

I can give you everything I Have

But I still come up so short

I can now see the things so obvious

My evil ways and more evil thought

The way I lived this laughable Hoax

Fraudulent to those who chose to engage

A new day has come and nothing really changes

I seek out redemption that may never come

I try to move away from my vices of destruction

I hope a little and pray all night

Bad Anniversary Nov -1, 2023

Tomorrow will be a sad reminder

Will be 1 year from the end of something great

My world , my life took a serious tumble

A fall from which I've yet to recover

The things that I remember

The things that I forgot

The tears that have fallen

All the wasted years

My apologies and remorse have run me over

The day keeps coming back

I remember free falling

Without my safety net

Now I'm left to fend for myself

No love or warmth to hold my hands

No help to get around

I force myself to be self sufficient

This memory that haunts me 

The reminders all around

No words from the girl who was my love

Just a picture of Drew Dog

I ruined a perfect day for us

The accomplishments of my boy

I'm so proud of all that he has done

I'm so fucking disappointed for who I am

How does one recover

I don't want love again

It hurts too much to care so much

And lose it all over again

I have choices to make from her

To what, where and how

I'd love to stand for something good again

Instead of having things taken away

 

OCT 31 , 2024

 Today is a day I really dread

Halloween is not my jam

I remember not liking it as a kid

I dressed up only once

What I do enjoy is handing out candy

Watching the kids in their jubilant state

So young and happy to be alive

That energy I would love to have

The creatures and the costumes

The littles dressed and ready

I wait for the pictures

Of the boys and their bountiful grab

I wonder why Halloween meant nothing to me

Why I enjoy the joys of others

I guess my addiction to reality

Doesn't allow a creative fun side

The candy bowl is filled to the brim

Backups close behind

I hope the kids come out tonight

I'd hate the eat the leftovers

To break away from reality

Maybe I should give it a try

I relive my childhood through my boys

The three word phrase that fills the night

Mind Break

 I'm taking a drive tonight

I had no destination in mind just drive

I ended up in downtown Santa Barbara 

To clear the mind and free myself

It feels good to drive again

Been over 2 years since I had driven

Injuries from my bicycle accident made it unsafe

So I drive as much as I can 

My mind and thoughts have been escaping me

I have too many things simultaneously running

Slowing down my broken mechanism

To the snails pace in which I walk 

Driving in Santa Barbara I reminisced 

The music venues and concert bars

My twenties were spent walking those streets 

Those were good times I remember them well

As I pull away from the big game

I realize I don't need to care

Time with myself for myself 

Had made me line up a thought or two

All of this thinking made me thirsty

I blew off chicken piccada to get away 

I ended up in Carpenteria

Where my best friend have our monthly meet

Again I heard that trigger song 

Affectionately called the last dance song 

I blew off sorrow and sang along

Because I'm unable to dance anymore 

So many thoughts of yesterday

40 years and moving forward

I needed this drive for so many reasons

I need a minute to wipe away some tears

I'm not sad ,angry or bitter anymore

Who really should care if nobody cares back

I've learned no lessons ,but of people

Who have shocked and disappointed me

My personal therapy session is over

This really disinfected the spoils

I can drive the 30 minutes home content

I'm making strides in meeting tomorrow 

Can't Escape it

 I heard another familiar song today 

Driving along it hit me again

A trigger, a dagger in my throat

Speechless, thoughts filled with negativity 

I've tried very hard to mend my fences

The holes yet patched and can see it through

I get real anxious when I think of things

That show my life with you

Too many times I blame myself

For failing to maintain my life

The comforts of the nicer things

That somehow meant nothing to me

That song I hear too often now

Reminds me where i was

I was dancing with my former wife

For the first and the last time

I won't turn it off or turn it down

A great memory and a great song

I embrace the thoughts,love and the dance

I still waiting for that call

Some things are like a decadent dessert

The looks the smell and tastes 

Too tempting to refrain and walk away

I eat it and hate myself