Some Thoughts

 Today was a throwback day 

I'm exploring my love for music again

I went out taking pictures today

I felt like writing a bit

Simple things that make me who I truly am

A song to sing along to

A picture of people at the beach

Writing about the bullshit I call mine

It's a simple life that I've complicated

I try to simplify but I'm not that simple

So I carry on and repair and replace

Want what I want now

Impatience still kicks my ass

Intolerance can piss me off 

But it's my world now

I can give a shit if I choose to

I was never predictable

But to be unpredictable

Now my daily ritual consists of

Trips to the gym and beach......religiously!

I love to be alone

Thinking out loud at times

Forever belittling myself for stupid things

Always forgiving myself for being an idiot

I often enjoy things I never thought of

Sleeping in a real bed

Retired and sleeping in until 11

Talking to people I don't know, just because

It's a different time in my life

Simple but complex at times

Removing emotions from my space

I can walk away from or towards anything I choose

So ,I will continue to wait for my retirement checks to come

take my trips when I feel the need

No schedules to follow just the lines in the road

The joys of retirement and getting old

The world I know

 I can't take back the nights

I hope to survive until sunrise

Apologies are meaningless

Hearts are in pieces everywhere

I won't look back anymore

The glass is broken beyond repair

Time for a new set of glasses

Time for a new perspective

I won't reach out

I can't pick up the phone anymore

No one calls or picks up the phone 

Time to change the number and turn another page

I can listen to the advice given

I see the error of my ways

Thats alright there's nobody to hurt anymore

The freedom to live the carefree life

Fast forward to my next test

Driving towards a rest stop to replenish

The restrictions of a life gone by

So many open avenues to travel

I've been very blessed

My failures never stopped me 

My victories were savored and forgotten

The new days bring opportunities I choose

If you say I had it all

I'd say it wasn't enough

I'm not as flawed as I thought

I'm just where I need to be

My head is on a swivel

No idea what I'm looking for

Don't want or need anything

The joys of the search to evolve

I'm not looking for an outcome

Unimpeded on my roads to somewhere

The beauty of my daily grind

No responsibilities, my world to own

Missing Pieces

I never understood how I searched for what was missing

Even in the calmest seas the waves were always crashing

 Looking for the things that I never needed

Never content with what I held in my hands

The missing pieces were always in place

Yet I tried to find it somewhere else

I don't blame you, myself  or anybody else

Just the realization of flaws and faults and a fragile mind

As time goes by the search slows down

I don't need anything, want anything I just don't

I smell the coffee, the roses and stop looking outside

Everything that matters is within my stride

No more dreams and visions of yesterday

It has all settled in and where it should be

No more missing pieces or chapters in my life

I accept my fate and final dates to be alive

the 1975 - somebody else // lyrics

I went For A Drive

 As usual my days are somewhat planned

I will go to the gym

I will go to the beach

I have my camera at the ready just in case

Today I skipped the beach

Decided on a long drive to an old launch of mine 

I decided to drive my favorite mountain road ever

The majestic Lake Casitas run on highway 150

Many past memories good and bad were ever present

This is the road I frequented while riding my motorcycles 

The road I estimate I have ridden 500 times

The road that almost killed me twice

It's been 5-6 years since I had ridden a motorcycle 

I miss the thrills, but the risks were too great

Each turn I choreographed as if I were on one of my motorcycles

Realizing the car I drive was not going to cut it

As the drive progressed my mind was wandering

Half on the road, half remembering when Terria and I would ride 

She had her bike, I had mine we shared the passion for a brief time

I recalled the worries about her safety as I constantly glanced back

The drive continued and I have memorized every turn and bump

I reach the roads end and jump on the freeway

As I head South towards home I am blaring my music

Another trigger song comes on and I play it through

Funny how chance plays a part in things

The song that came on has dual meaning to me

It was the only song I ever danced with Terria at our sons wedding

It came on the very spot Terria and I pulled off and got frisky 38 years ago

I didn't know whether to be happy, sad or furious

I cried for 5 miles and reminded myself that it didn't have to be like this

The cruel irony haunts me from time to time

The song by the 1975 "Somebody Else"

Going Back

 If I could turn back the hands of time

I probably would change a few thing

I never wanted a family ,wife or kids

Yet I did on both accounts

Would I change all of that

Should I have changed all of that

Through things I never wanted

I received an incredible amount of joy

Two failed marriages

Two broken families

Too much pain and destruction

One common denominator....ME

I've taken ownership of my misgivings

My bad decisions and awful actions

I look at the rubble piled behind me

So I stop looking back and look ahead

So many things I never said

Too many things I actually did

So much resentment from every angle

I've handled it well regardless of how they feel

I'm taking a step in a new direction

Health and welfare at the front of the line

My petty concerns are gone for good

My self-preservation at the hands of others

I've lived a great life done everything I've wanted

Not really much left but to collect a few paychecks

I won't go easily into the night

The darkness I create will be intentional

Opportunities Knock

 Every day and opportunity passes by

Each day I let it through

I can't grasp the freedoms to choose

So I make no choices at all

I'm not ready to dive in again

I won't be for a long time 

The daily rituals I call my own

I enjoy my schedule the way it is

When I get the call, the text, the mail

I read each line with a guarded mind and heart

Responsibility is not my friend

I can only be responsible for myself

I can't give you what you deserve today

I don't want to give at all

When new opportunities come my way

I must turn and walk away

My complexities since replaced with simplicity

I have no reasons to play that part

I drive alone, I think alone 

Where I'm at my very best

The warning label emblazoned on my head

Ever present never hidden

This is who and what I am

It's better that they stay away

 

Some day things will change

Not sure I'll worry too much

I'm enjoying being a single retiree

I write my rules and break them when I want to