The Fight

I have been all over the place lately

Mentally and physically checked out from reality

It's so easy for me to throw a pity party

It's so easy to rebound and say WTF

What happens to the strong man

One called the rock and pillar of security

I was helping others fight their battles

Here at home I'm losing my own

It is very true my body hurts 

My mind is wounded beyond recognition

In my mind I have ended my life

In my reality I'm not made like that

Nobody truly knows the pains I feel

To get up it takes a momentous effort

It hurts like hell to get out of bed

But It's surprisingly better than it was

I'm never complained about my pains and ills

Always taught myself to fix shit and forget it

Sometimes being the badass doesn't get it done

But being a Pussy is never going to be an option here

This past 12 months has taught me many things

I've learned I'm not the man I thought I was

People cannot be trusted and can be full of shit!

I lost my wife but never my amazing family

The days move forward along with my fight

To fix what's broken both Mind and body

There are no guarantees but the fight I'm in

A challenge is in front of me and I'm walking towards it

So I make my Appointments and take my meds

Go do my workouts and get stronger each day

My nerves aren't firing, and my muscles don't fully function

But I'm doing things I couldn't do 12 months ago

As I said goodbye to Terria and my home

My beautiful Puppy Drew and my kids

So much loss almost broke me forever

I thought of my heroic dad and his 3 1/2 years as a POW

There are days when I stand still

Frozen by the hurt and what I called life

It was wonderful and so full of goodness

I don't ask for anything but the ability to continue this fight

I must say goodbye to my broken past

Looking forward to an unknown future

I can't look to my God we have both failed each other

I don't need any help, just somebody who says I can't or won't

 

Fighting The Pain

Not physically feeling very good today

A Trip to the gym should set me up right

I really hate to feel so bad

I know it's temporary and partly mental

I carry my world on my broken shoulders

Wavering balance and gentle strides

It doesn't seem to be getting better

I'm emotionally defeated but keep on fighting

A lunchtime visit for a quick workout

Set my mind free from feeling the pains

Something positive created

Negativity must be left behind

I sometimes wonder what's the point

I don't always feel positive results

Sometimes I just want to leave

Quit the shit and rot and die

I have allowed my pains to take me over

Thinking about a normal day

I have gone 20 plus years of carrying this pain

Now I carry it alone and it's heavier than before

Reality has set in now

I won't get better just become a burden

I fight and struggle and am beginning to tire!

I just don't know how much longer I'll care to fight

Angry

 Why am I so angry

Very disgruntled with so many things

People are dogshit

And their opinions smell bad too

I've been judged, prosecuted and put away

I've been given a shitty heart

I inherited a broken body

Thank God my brain works and my sarcasm is high

Why am I angry?

I try to decide am I angry with myself or my surroundings

My past and present don't make me so happy

But it's the place where I've fallen into

I reside in the place of purgatory

Neither here nor there

Just trying to regulate the emotions

Not too high or low.....good luck

Am I angry in the things I've created

Do the things that happen without my help

Am I responsible for my anger

Should I blame it on someone else?...NO

Every day is a battle cry

Testing my patience and resolve

I'm angry at the world and don't know why

I can't fix the things I didn't break

I trust in myself to temper this fury

I can't fix it all not even myself

The broken pieces of a man's life

Will never be repaired with an angry mind

My Belief

 I feel we are all capable of great things

Love and kindness are free and available

What makes us not believe and not care

A series of unanswered questions is a starting point

How can Christians promote the devil

Seems like the antithesis of right and wrong

When do we bow down to another man

With no much hatred in his eyes

I used to be a spiritual man

Read the bible many times

I was disappointed in what I read 

So much anger and violence

Over the years my views have changed

Once and staunch Christian

Then a staunch Atheist

9-11 and world hunger made me think too much

Where is our God to lend a hand

To teach and instruct how to live a better life

People are still hungry, wars still rage

There has been no human progress since the beginning of time

My views have hardened as the world goes on

I have always tried to see the good in everything

It's so hard to teach our kids

Their phones and Social Media are doing it for us

So I asked myself of this crumbling world

Who can we turn to for a guiding hand

Our Pastors or Politicians would they know

They are too busy making a Buck

I tried to believe in the greater source 

I devoted my thoughts if not my actions

I tried to be the ear, the shoulder the helping hand

Even when I was taking something away

My faith has diminished and made me angry

I tried to live the life of the Golden Rule

It was never equitable from the start

I could never find a livable balance

My compromised faith and diminished life

I have failed to appreciate the gifts I've received

Doesn't seem fair to have so much

While the homeless search for a place to spend the night

So I must ask our God

Where have you been?

So many have everything, others have nothing but misery

I hope someday you can even the score

Today my beliefs are of disbelief

I'm sad and angry with what we have become

I try to believe there is a God

He's either too busy or not powerful enough for the job

 

Fear, Fuck-ups and Mortality

 What do I fear the most?

I'm really not afraid of anything tangent

I used to think about death and dying

Now I honestly look forward to it

Not going out by choice or by gunshot

Just don't care much about life or missing anything

I just went through the toughest year of my life

Who wants to deal with shit like that 

I did fear not living life to it's best standards

I never wanted to miss out on anything

 Never wanted to  say coulda, woulda, shoulda

So I did it and lived with many regrets

These regrets in the end were manageable

Some worth the risk, others sheer stupidity

Riding a motorcycle over 100 mph in a sweeping turn was worth the risk

Being a bad person and infidelity are my low points

The more I talk of my past

I learn more about what I didn't do right

Plenty of thoughtless mistakes and hurt feelings

At least I was funny so that was a thing

Thinking about this life

Nowhere near where I wanted to be

Physically, emotionally and spiritually devoid of meaning or purpose

My thoughts of kids, Grandkids are just thoughts

This world is a cruel place

Everyone desensitized knowing right from wrong

Social media is King and Free thought is a Ribeye Steak

Dead and rare theses days

I hope I don't quit on my thoughts

I surely don't want to quit on anyone who gives a shit 

It's hard to be perfect so I bow out immediately

Being a Fuck up is very unrewarding but so damn easy

As I count the people who have abandoned me 

I think of those whom I have walked away

No second chances just abrupt justice

Get the fuck out you're no good to me

Come back when you're perfect

Where the efforts to do so is a waste of time

The rewards to be perfect in an imperfect world

Defeat the purpose for being alive

I've lost so much

I've left so much on the table

Everything I've had or done

Has never seemed to be good enough to hold onto

I fumbled away too many things 

Lost things that at one time meant something I suppose

I don't feel any poorer or richer just different

Adjusting to misgivings real or perceived

Each morning brings a new surprise and opportunity

To fulfill a promise if it matters at all

Do I ask my God to save me 

Do I tell him he's doing a poor job?

I feel betrayed for many reasons

I've betrayed myself too many times

My God has an odd plan for me

I should have died twice in my lifetime

But instead I live a fraction of the man I was

Broken physically, spiritually trying to believe

I've been let down and betrayed too many times

For me to truly believe anymore

Failed marriages, friendships and parenting speak volumes

Too loud for me to understand clearly

The answers will hopefully come sooner than later

I'm not expecting much in return

Lonely Ride

 I don't have dreams anymore

I just can't dream anymore

I sleep and don't weep anymore

My efforts to block off my sad past

I have many conversations alone

Sing a song to bring me joy

Fill up the tank and take a drive

Where I'm going I never know

I drive by my old street

Thinking if anyone is home

I have yet to make that turn down Simon Way

So I drive on by and say I did

I talk to an old friend

She tells me that clarity is coming soon

She should know she was my first ex wife

Now she's a sounding board of reason

So much of what she tells me is true

I just don't want to believe it

I have built theses walls that border rational thinking

So close but yet so high to reach

I lost my best friend and my wonderful wife

Our conversations that never ended

We spent hours on the phone at our start

Now I don't exist and won't be heard

This feeling of lost hope

To hear a voice that says hello

How aere you feeling , how have you been

The few words that I wish I'd hear

There are no grand delusions

Thoughts to make it right

The point of no return has come and gone

Still I wait by my phone to hear that voice

My common ground has sunken

Into the depths of a burning fear

I hate to think that I will live and die alone

When nobody knows or really cares

When Will Time Heal All

When words fall on deaf ears

Nobody will listen or hear what I want to say

I talk to walls and to people not there

At least I feel I'm communicating

Bitterness, grief and broken dreams

I think about this everyday

Once again I can only change today

Days gone by are just that, Gone

I wish there were a majestic way to handle this

Feelings overcome rationale at times

Closing our mind to simple solutions.

A simple conversation could do wonders I feel

So much outright anger

Too much time dwelling on the obvious

I want to be part of the healing process

Even if I am the cause of pain

I've had many things taken away from me

I've paid the price, must it be forever

I was good enough to give love and show love

Showed the kids right from wrong

What have I done for you lately, right!

I can't argue with that at all

You can penalize the wrong people 

By over-penalizing the faulty one

I don't want to be forgotten

I was loved and adored for all of the right reasons

My mistakes in life were not a result of not loving enough

They were the fact that I didn't love myself enough, still don't

When I wipe the blood and the tears from my body

I see a catastrophic accident standing in front of me

People can walk away from this accident

People can stop , roll up the sleeves and try to help me clean it up