Move On

 Been doing some thinking lately

Not too much, just enough to give me a headache

Processing where I am and where I came from

Figuring out where I want to be

What do I want to be?

Am I free, single and ready to roll out

Be myself as I've been told

Being a better person should be my goal

I don't necessarily like where I come from

Being addicted to doing the wrong things

Temporary fulfillment for a lifetime of guilt

Nothing is ever worth the pain

As my thought process rolls along

I am appreciative of my support group and love them all

If I could only love my self enough

To catch myself before I fall

I realize that There's no turning back

The wife , the house and dog are all gone

A death of sorts that I killed myself

I have no excuses only regrets

But I will say I've gained an understanding

I think more before I speak, or act

Realizing the impact of what I say or do

Can turn out catastrophic as my personal past

I no longer seek out reparations for what I've done

Evidently the damage is done and I can't fix it

But I'll never know the final story

The book was closed before it was finished

I can no longer ask for forgiveness

It's never coming and for that I'm sad

But I can't live for the waiting and expectations

This is all out of my hands

The silence screams out answers

So loud and very clear

Yes I know I left a better place and life

But gave a life back to a better future

There are no more "One Day's" for me

The future does what the future will do

My contributions have been made

My debts have been collected and I've paid the man

There's something about time away from life

There really is another road travelled

When I become engrossed in my negativity

It takes me away from the place that makes me happy

I continually try to be a better man

A better brother friend and Ex to many

I can't cover the bases like I once did

It's no longer a requirement so I rest in Peace

My Question

 I have a few questions I need to ask

I won't receive any answers I expect that

The questions I have are very simple

The answers too complex to honestly answer

To be on the punching end is not my choice

I've been on the receiving end before

I preferred it better to where I am 

I owned that decision whether it was mine or not

I have no grievances in my life

I can look back on choices and accept their fate

The powerless feeling of wondering and waiting

For the end to come and go

I can hold on to a glimmer of hope

To bring you back to my inner circle

I don't want to dwell on my failures and pain

I just want a friend again

For months I've been fighting myself

Not allowing myself to move beyond my failures

I feel like I'm progressing to a better place

And accepting the pain as part of being me

My goals and my aspirations are self-serving

My Family, my health and my frame of mind

I can see a solemn tomorrow as a matter of truth

I can move beyond those who won't forgive me

The question I will ask you now

Is your life better with me gone

Is your world a better, more peaceful place

Your answers will tell me no lies

Talking To Myself

 I'm in an odd place emotionally right now

I'm angry and yet appreciative if that makes sense

Angry at the fact that people have turned their backs on me

Hurt at the fact that they just don't care

I've made the mistakes that can't be reversed

The hurting continues and it doesn't appear to slow down

I can't get a text or call returned anymore

I'm dead to the world I loved so dearly

My place here today is moving very quickly

My mind and thoughts take me so far away

I want some peace and tranquility in my life

Even though I won't ever be forgiven

At some point I must cut away

From being the peacemaker and fixing all of the broken parts

I can't ask for forgiveness when I won't forgive myself

I just can't expect to be fully understood

I walked away when I knew it was wrong

You walked away without a fight

Maybe this road travelled before

The traffic jam and the heartbreak it brings

I don't know you anymore

The person that held it all together

I was the rock and Pillar so you told me

Now I'm rubble at the side of the road

I'm a stranger in a familiar place 

I'm in danger of becoming a shadow of myself

Put my stock in an angry unknown

I'm angry too but won't be heard

I look for help because I know it's there

I'm proud and walk away from that helping hand

I run away from my own advice

I'm talking to people who have turned their backs

Just A Thought

 THIS WAS ALL WRITTEN IN ANGER AND DOES NOT REFLECT THE WAY I REALLY FEEL ABOUT MY LIFE, LOVED ONES CURRENT AND PAST. I WAS TEMPORARILY IN A BAD PLACE AND HAVE SINCE REGAINED CONSCIOUSNESS RATHER THAN TAKE IT DOWN I WILL LEAVE THIS HERE AS A REMINDER OF WHERE I CAN GO OFF TRACK AND HOW I CAN REEL MYSELF BACK IN. TO ANYONE I MAY HAVE OFFENDED APOLOGIES ALL AROUND!

I remember thinking that life and people were for the most part a good thing. As I've aged and near retirement, I take a different look at myself and the life I will leave behind. The loves of my life aren't that important anymore. I'm too selfish to care and unable to feel much anymore. I've lost my ability to love and appreciate the things that were so important to me. I've lost wives, kids and grandchildren to my own doing, I will own that and be truthful to myself in stating. I am a flawed man living in a flawed world and I never did enjoy it much. I tried to make a difference where I could and for the life of me can't see what good I have done. This may appear to be a pessimistic view of things, for me this is all reality. No rainbows and puppy dogs for me just the reality of being an asshole and watching the shit flow freely, knowing my life could have been so much better but it never got a chance thanks to me. All of this is not a reflection of recent changes in my life. Things happen the way they are supposed to and I'm not powerful enough to change any of that. For the first time ever I've looked at my life for what it really is, a failure and waste of many peoples' time and efforts! I tried so hard to be happy and live a good healthy life but never seemed to get there. There was always something missing!

Remember To Forget

 The weather outside is dreary, overcast

It's been a good day so far

Hope the sun shines through

To brighten up the streets and skies

I'd love to take a drive somewhere

Take my cameras and shoot away

Something different with a different feeling

A feeling that I've never felt before

I would love to drive anywhere

No destination in mind

Take me away with my music in my ear

Sing along even though I can't dance anymore

The tunes in my head 

Take me to greater places

They take me to sad times too

They remind me that I have a past and maybe a future

I hide my feelings in my chest

I try so hard to solve my own shit

The truth of the matter is it can't be done

But I fool myself and carry on

I'm nearing a crossroads in my life

There's so much to be done if time allows

I have a plan to make amends

To myself for being my own worst enemy

If I pull away and run real far

Reimagine and reinvent myself

To a better person and a better place

Me and my thought alone in an empty space

My virtue and my purpose in life

Was lost and buried in a backyard spot

I played and roamed and threw a ball

Hitting rocks and breaking windows

That memory of the roadside load

I'd gather the pebbles and bring them home

I was Mickey Mantle and Willie Mays

Swinging the bat from either side

I gave away that life and home

My memories are etched in stone 

My Puppies and my muddy field

Concrete and steppingstone covered it up

Onward I travel I am looking back

Will my travels be worthy of my lost opportunities

To live the dream and die together

I must have thought there was something better

When the sun goes down and I'm out of gas

Will they figure it out or need my help

A complex mind in an impossible world

I've shared my grievance for all to see

It's Just Reality

Nearing midnight I'm wide awake

No sleep aid for me tonight

Just a weary mind with my body dragging behind

I can feel a thought-filled sleepless night

When the morning comes I'm thankful 

One day closer to where I want to be 

A day closer of where I'm needed

Not just another day

I look to my past which is now my future

My boys so close yet farther than I need

My feeling of desperation subsides 

To the realities of many unknown facts

My family had adopted me 

Taken me in and held me close

Someday soon I'll cut my loving ties

A trip to somewhere and nowhere at all

I held out my hand once, it was slapped down

I held out my hand a second time

I chopped the other hand to make it right

No hands ,no rings just wasted dreams

Feeling a dizzy spin in my head today

I went for a lonely drive today

The tight and twisty roads of my life

Where I had tempted death before

It brought out exhilarating emotions

My ear pieces with music blaring loud

With each turn something deadly warned

So I sold the bikes and tried to grow up

So much shared and how much I cared

To include you in my hobbies 

You gave your all before our fall

Tattoos that no longer exist 

I saw a picture on the mantle

Which made me proud and sad all in one

A journey that I should have shared with you

But instead it's dinner for one

A day away,a world away

It all feels the same to me

A child loses their innocence in life 

While a man tries to ruin his own

Angels Fly Away

 One of my best friends and allies

I met when I was very young

The queen to my brother

The goodness in us all

Life is about learning

I've learned so much from her

She was raised by an Angel

And became one herself

We share a past of travel

Moving from state to state

They both worked hard 

And are rewarded with each other every day

My wonderful Suzie

I hurt and disappointed her so much

I never thought I could disappoint so much

Now I've lost two of my best friends

The hurt and shock to her system

Processing very very slowly

I can't fix this broken relationship either 

Take another loss to my soul

She would check on me frequently

Asking if I needed a coffee or snack

I miss those days replaced with no response

But its where this relationship is at

I'm glad Terria has a friend

I've lost them both for what I've done

I have turned my focus in a different direction

The solitude of a two lane highway