Not sure why this time feels different, I feel no sense of worry, or fears at all. just a notable difference in my mindset and attitude towards it all. 3rd operation in 8 months and am totally over the idea of aging and getting run down, breaking down and feeling old some days where it hurts to be me. I do realize that father time is no kind father at all, the only lessons taught are the pains felt and the agonies of cracking knees and aching feet. I work so hard to stay ahead of it all but time , gravity and genetics are not kind at all. Reminded Terria the other day how hard I work to be healthy and how hard it is , especially at this stage in our middle years and life and the world sometimes takes a front seat to it all. I also remember telling her that I haven't had a guilt free meal since I was 12 years old and always fighting a weight issue has been a fight, albeit and unpleasant one but a challenge I do look forward to sometimes! How sad that is to me, to hear myself say, since I was 12 years old I haven't enjoyed an Ice Cream or a piece of Pie, cake or nice rich Pasta meal without fearing how tight my clothes would be If I continued to do more of the same. Odd how as a 12 year old athletic boy who played all day and had no computer games or cell phone to teach me ant-social behaviors like that of today. Busy kids riding bikes and playing football and Baseball, always had a Hoop to shoot Baskets and we did, still have the hoop in front of the house. That his since been replaced with Bicycles and Gym memberships and the fight continues on.
Not sure why I am reflecting back on my childhood and wondering why this operation is different than any other I have had, I feel good and positive that it will relieve the pains and discomfort of what I deal with and have been dealing with for the past 5 years , only recently diagnosed and "this is the reason why I have not been able to feel well after meals." I always wonder if I have shown my family my love and care for them? or been the parent , the Husband that I should have been, hate to think that I would go out and leave those thoughts and words unspoken or not shown on a daily basis to the ones that really matter to me. So many good things in my world and in my every day life that it seems unfair to be so blessed and yet sometimes so unappreciative of it all. I hate to be a worry or a bother to anyone and truly hate to be at somebody else's mercy while my loved wait for my safe returns. I have my strong beliefs and my strong faith and know that things are what they are meant to be. I don't pray for myself , but pray for others in times of worry to be at peace and give me to the power that be! Don't write much anymore and do realize that It's a certain place or mindset that draws me to write, either angry, or afraid, happy or sad I've been all over the charts with emotions when I choose to write and share a thought with myself. Self talk just makes me sound like a street person who has lost his mind, I'm not there yet but close enough to give it a shot at times just to break up the puzzle a bit. So I write and try to communicate some lost or hidden feelings about where I am today, I'm sure this time tomorrow It will be a different thought and no real desire to write about it , but today I feel it so I write about it. Come soon tomorrow and let it be another rivers flow under the bridge of the world as we know and the life that we live, G
