I Don't

 I don't want to be here today

I really don't want to be me anymore

My lost souls and broken life

Has taken it's toll on me today

Too much sorrow and so much pain

Celebrations that seem so hollow

I miss my girl so very much

All I want for her is to say hello

I don't know what tomorrow brings for me

I know this day has me in a state of cloudiness and tears

An old classic song in my ear this morning

The Carpenters"for all we know"

I've picked myself up off the ground so many times

Emotionally never rides

I've don't have a way to filter my feelings

So I empty them all at my feet

I'm tripping and skirting around the truths of my life

I see an empty barrel filling up with sadness and tears

I'm not quite sure if I'll make its through 

To see the finish line where I once knew I would be first

The one thing I do know is it hurts, hurts so bad

It hurts like I've lost my family , I have no friends

My thoughts aren't bright anymore

My demeanor a far cry from the brilliance I once championed

I don't know if we'll ever speak again

I just just know, I really don't

Dark

There are many red flags in my path

Many more from my past

I rarely share the things that make me feel bad

But it has always been at someones expense

I have walked away from many bad scenes

I've walked towards to get a better look

My heart and soul try to do what's right

I sometimes fail in my journey

I can break an arm or break a leg

Lie to your face and break your heart

Shoot you in the face with a loaded gun

OR shoot myself instead

The dirty side of the street had plans

I walked on the curb trying to decide

Which side of the tracks were better

I had crossed the street too many times

I once told someone I knew really well

If I had Cancer or a fatal disease

I would roam the streets and destroy with glee

Bad elements in this world

I still feel that way which makes me mad

That mentality is a losing venture

My anger for this world and people have never really gone away

So my arms are loaded and I flex my dark side

As angry as I have been, I've rarely raised a hand

I hit a man for charging at me and somehow broke my hand

A vicious side I've hidden so long buried very shallow

The flame's still hot but nobody has yet to burn

The details in my rage in life

Will go with me to my grave

 I won't rage or hate until I'm pushed

When I won't be able to save myself  or anyone else from a detonating bomb

12-2-1964

 Yesterday was your 60th birthday

I wished you a happy birthday and you acknowledged

I'm sure you celebrated very nicely

I'm so sorry I'm not a part of your celebrations anymore

We always celebrated with family or friends

Wonderful parties or dinners out

This is my second year not able to celebrate with you

I'm ashamed for the reasons why

I won't look back too much

The memories albeit good ,still hurt

The thought of not being there with you

Still seems unreal to me

I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday

May all of your wishes come true

I hope your life is better now

Somehow I think it already is!

God Bless you Terria Lynn

You were so good to me

I hate to keep looking back on the way it was 

But should focus on how it's going to be.

I just Want To Say Hello

 After deep thought and many sleepless nights

I find myself fighting the same battles from a year ago

Thoughts of failing my family

Feelings that haven't diminished yet

The feelings are cyclical and come at odd times

Triggers seem to be less frequent this time

But seem to hit me harder when they do come

I cried myself to sleep last night thinking a good thought

I think about my boys, my grand children

Memories of helping to raise them , watch them grow

Proud of their progress and missing my holidays with them

Missing my wife who did nothing wrong

My feelings are all over the floor

Spread out like wrapping paper on Christmas morning

I try to pick them up and throw them away

I'm not ready to throw my memories away just yet

When I go to bed each night I always ask

How are you doing I wish I was there

When I wake up in the morning , I look at my messages

Hoping one day you'll care

I can get sad at times but I do reel it in

My focus wanders to so many places at once

My issues are deeper than I am able to fill

I want to feel good, be good to my kids and family

I re-arrange a line from a song

" I still think of you and all the SHIT I put you through"

I know I was wrong"

This song, this thought resonates with me 

When the wind blows past me it's gone forever

Reminiscent of my former life

I hold on tight to the goodness I was given every day

I dropped the ball of human kindness and being a better MAN

Your presence is still very apparent

Your essence engrained in my sinuses

I feel your hands even as they pushed me away

I have lived a very good life

When I see you again I often wonder

Will it be at the store, Pharmacy, Bank or a red light

I know for sure I'll smile a big smile

I hope you will do the same

I have a Million things to say to you

Most have been written and shared in this space

The opportunity or desire to speak may never come

Just know you were so incredible and I was just a LIE!

Lost Faith

 I have wondered if the pains I feel

Are my rewards for giving out pain throughout my life

Retribution for my bad decisions

I earn it all with each painful step

I can't complain about anything that is happening

It brings people joy to know I hurt too

I gave it like a bad man

I take it like a man, sadly but that's the way it goes

I think about my silent life

So quiet and unassuming

I don't hear anything or say very much

Just trying to make it to the next day

There's not much left for me to do

There's really nothing worthwhile I can do

Each day is a struggle to find my purpose

Each day I wonder if it will be my last

looking out I can't see much left

Living the days as if on borrowed time

I will go where the wind takes me

Don't really care where I go

There are so many things that have left my side

Some really good and some not so important

I've lost a family and a happy home

The biggest and best parts of me, gone for good

Unfortunately I lost my faith

Rain Go Away

 For whatever reason the overcast weather is depressing

It instantly puts me in a darker mood than normal

Hard to motivate and get started

I wait for the sunshine that never came

As a southern Californian we expect great weather

350 days out of the year we have it

It's expensive to live here and never going down

We pay the weather tax which nobody complains about

The body hurts more than normal

The mood a little bit negative

The weather really can change your frame of mind

It's a couple days out of the year, I'll be fine

Tomorrows forecast is 85% chance of rain

I'll need to sneak out and get to the gym

Keep a good thought and stay indoors

We'll hope for sunshine eventually

Day Off

It's Sunday night and not much to think about

Times like this when thoughts are abundant

I talk myself down from digging in deep

I need a restful night not and not another headache

Today was a good day  

I was a day to accomplish a few things and sleep in a bit

There was some bad TV on, I didn't care

I told myself to be happy and not look back

So I'm listening to myself

Walking away from an internal conflict

Shying away from a good mental hopscotch

I will ungracefully walk away

It's a great night to read or write

Most times I would think

Today is different for me now

I'm taking a day off from my life